Every night

Me looking at my mom talk shit bout me at a family event for some adult clout

My brother in Christ. We are fighting the wrong battle this is one wing being cut in two and sold twice

Twas the night before Daylight Savings and all through the house, Folks were asking, didn’t we ban this shit last year?

Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family

Watching banks get bailed out for the second time in my adult life while also preparing to watch the Supreme Court tell us that cancelling a paltry $10k of student loan debt per borrower is "government overreach."

Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order

To celebrate my birthday, Logitech G is going to give one lucky winner every Logitech product I personally use to stream! They'll receive a Pro X Headset, Pro Keyboard, Pro Mouse, G840 Mousepad, Blue Sona Mic, StreamCam, Litra Beam. Like, RT, Tag a friend to enter! #Sponsored

Any time I meet someone under 5’ 3”, I mentally prepare myself to answer a riddle.

i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made

my mom: get out of the kitchen NOW also my mom: wow, nobody helps with thanksgiving

I love pronouncing both of his names the same way

TGI Fridays casually forgetting that TGI stands for: Thank God I get these fried mozzarella sticks in my Triple Dipper on Fridays