30 days has September April June and November All the rest have 31 Except January which has 4,000

date: can you take off your work gloves Jim Henson: they have names

Artificial Intelligence stole my job but quit after two days.

DATE: do you like kids ME: not mine

Is it “I’d rather work at a cemetery” or “in a cemetery” I want my two weeks notice to be perfect.

Approach life with the grotesque zeal of a husband and wife realtor team at a neighborhood mixer.

boss: this company is more profitable than ever me: how about a raise? boss: sorry i have to take this call me: your phone isn’t ringing boss: [fakes heart attack]

They say motherhood is the hardest job on earth. Not the way I do it.

tv apps cost 15.99 per month then want to charge you 4.99 to watch home alone

Wouldn’t it make more sense to watch what you want on Netflix then cancel and get Max then cancel and get Disney and so on… instead of paying for 7,000,000 shows at the same time.

Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store

Seems like just yesterday I was reading instructions on how to open a box of wine and now I can open it with one hand in the car.

My wife wants to join a cross training gym but she’s not sure if it’ll be too much for her so I suggested she start off slowly by turning off all the lights before she goes to bed.

I don't think Alexander Graham Bell intended for us to watch porn over the telephone.

NASA: you've been selected to spend a year on the space station ME: wow that's awesome NASA: you and your entire family! ME: oh ok no thanks

Parenthood: When you make enough money to live an exciting, comfortable, stress free life, but decide to have kids instead.

People say I'm a terrible father, but when my four year old broke his collar bone, who's the guy that dropped him off at the emergency room?