I’m entitling my autobiography, “Fifty Shades of Beige”.

As soon as the sun begins to darken today, I'm going to bed.

My aunt and uncle were married 38 years, before he passed away. My grandmother murmured, “Told you it wouldn’t last”.

I’m on vacation with my son, it’s day 8. He looked up at me while having lunch and said, “I think we should see other people”.

I like to tell people how I'm really doing so they stop asking.

For Valentine's Day, we're going to Costco. Will it be less busy?

“Hey, remember when you were thin and your parents weren’t dead?” Facebook

Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so relied on memory. Came home with two tubs of icecream and a puppy.

I told my therapist I don’t get depressed. She looked at her notes and said “Why not?”.

Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.

The retirement age should be the age when Jesus died

I wish I was a lesbian. I could find my kids a suitable mother.

I’m not a lesbian, I’m from Vermont.

I always let people pass me in PT Cruisers, they've been through enough.

I have this reoccurring nightmare that I’m on death row and I have to cook my last meal.

I bought Plan B today. The lady scowled at me and said, “Fifty dollars”. I said, “Hey, it’s cheaper than college”.

I get why men would want a wife. I don’t want to do any of this shit either.

I wear black because it hides the pizza.

'It ain’t a problem if money can fix it.'
-My father

If I have a doppelganger, he better not be out there getting laid.