me u and some cranberry vodkas…..think about it pookie

oh ok

hey did you get my message? i sent the bottle out to sea months ago

Were you rocking around the christmas tree with other bitches yes or no

I don’t fucking care what states you’ve been to

I can’t stop watching The Sopranos

My ring doorbell has seen a lot this year.

Nick Saban pls I am literally begging

Kalen DeBoer pls I am literally begging

Taco Bell deserves a Michelin star.

Miami clubs at 3:30am

Aliens (completely bewildered) so the groundhog Me: is clairvoyant, yes

Tiger Woods’ wife beat him up with a golf club on Thanksgiving after she went through his phone and found texts from a mistress while he was passed out from ambien and then he drove into a fire hydrant.

He wasn’t even close

You’re laughing. They’re doing transgender operations on illegal aliens who are in prison and you’re laughing.

Say what you will about Penn State. But you can’t top this atmosphere. Best in college football.

casinos need to add uno tables, i’ll fuck everybody up

“The commanders really have to contain Saquon Barkley” Saquon on the first play of the game: