I’ve now experienced firsthand the terror of smashing a spider only to have it burst into a million small angry spiders...then woke up my entire family at 5 am when I tried to vacuum all the little rapscallions. I’m at my wit’s end

Elderly cashier lady looking at my ID: “Yep, that’s you! But your hair’s different now...I like the picture a lot better.” Well Charlotte thanks for the picker upper you old silver-tongued fox

If you don’t have your radio presets in numerical order you’re a psychopath and you can’t convince me otherwise.

My brothers and I were explaining memes to our parents. This was the result:

When you’re watching fireworks this week and start to get your phone out for a Snapchat story, do your friends a favor and put it right back where it came from.

I wish honky tonks didn’t have no closing time, and I wish grandpas never died.

Currently at a Texas wedding and I’ve never seen so many mustaches and cowboy hats. Big fan

Something I like: avoiding people. Something I don’t like: being told I have to avoid people.

When the government tells me to stay home:

“How many different genres did you listen to this year?” Me: I’d say about 5 Spotify: 432

My coworker told me he’s a 34 waist but he usually wears 36 because they’re not so tight. Ray, I got some news for you buddy...

If we’re good, the government might allow us to celebrate our freedom! #blessed

Braden Smith was asked about his turnover when Purdue was down three points. Zach Edey took the mic and said every play is big in a game like this and it's on the entire team.

This week has been a scooter to the ankle

All I can say is bartender pour me something strong 👌🏻

Don’t know why people feel the need to go out and get hammered every single weekend. Everyone knows the best deals are during the week.

Weird day

Irony is one crazy SOB

We gave a standing ovation to a WW2 vet and started a U-S-A chant...not a half-bad Friday night 🌵

Waiting in line at the cactus for 5 hours this morning made me realize that I don’t like many people