You: *pronounces Bon Iver as it's written*

Most annoying guy you know, barely able to conceal his delight: what did you just say

I have forgotten so many precious memories with my children. I forget important dates, birthdays, deadlines. But I have never forgotten the kid making my burrito who was so high he just kept picking up more and more guac and staring at it.

My awful cousin has been arrested for … of all things… horse theft. Pioneer ass crime. Little house on the prairie ass crime.

I tweet for those who had to pay for text messages

“you let your cat sleep with you” i’d let that mf represent me in court

got too high last night and accidentally made a masterpiece

nothing sexier than a man with an extensive Lego collection. Good with his hands AND disposable income? sign me up

he was weak of chin but strong of will

I tried to rely on my sex appeal to get ahead in life. Unfortunately, I look like a police sketch of Seth Rogan.

beep beep just checking in. I've been in space for a long time

Thinking about tweeting the joke about clocks that's been in my drafts forever.
It's about time.

The elites are too comfortable saying this publicly. For all the tough American talk, nothing will happen to them. America only gets 'tough' towards people of color and the poor of all colors