Me (blowing bubbles through a straw to demonstrate how I mix cocktails): so did I get the position?

If somebody told me in 2020 we will experience WW3, mass fires in Australia and a massive global virus pandemic. I would have said Carole Baskins killed her husband in 1997 and fed his body to the tigers

When you are a literal piece of shit

[sees a zebra for the first time] What's up with that horse? [sees a giraffe for the first time] Okay, what the hell is going on today?

Fun game: refer to it clunkily as "man-explaining" until a guy snaps and corrects you

me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin

came across a little canadian twitter drama tonight

Tips for a successful airline company: 1970: allow smoking 1990: leg room 2010: cheap air fair 2017: not knock out your customers

"We are sorry you're upset!" United Airlines CEO

Oh. Okay this all makes sense now. Everybody's actions were justified. Open and shut case. x.com/courierjournal…

*literally anything bad happens* News: millennials I tell ya.

LPT: If you still want to view the eclipse but don't have the proper viewing glasses you can just use a pair of binoculars!

Net neutrality may be gone but legally anybody can still Photoshop a poop emoji on Ajit Pai's head

Mom: just act fancy. Girls like when a guy is fancy and classy *Later on date* Me: I eat fancy feast

I'm back on Twitter and I still don't even like EJ Gomez

"Hey YouTube! It's me luke" I say to nobody as I lay in bed. "Be sure to like and subscribe for more content" I say again to nobody, rolling over.

Coworker: well I did it, I had “the talk” with my son last night. Me: whoa, the sex talk huh? Coworker: hell no, the “don’t eat laundry detergent talk”