When John Wilkes Booth yelled "Sic semper tyrannis," it meant "These are the tyrannosauruses' original spelling mistakes."

You can’t have your cake and eat it too, but you can halve your cake and eat it two.

*buzzing in on Jeopardy* Me: updog. Alex Trebek: (trying to contain laughter) you have to phrase it in the form of a question. Me: (sighs) what's updog. Alex Trebek: (ready to erupt in pure joy)

If you are what you eat, then today I'm aisle 7.

I come up with half my best tweets while I'm pooping. The other half come while I'm fucking your dad.

THE PATH TO HAPPINESS. 1. Be born 2. Have a good childhood 3. Marry a girl you madly love 4. Don't introduce her to that handsome lawyer 5. Don't let her fall in love with him 6. Oh, God, now she's divorcing you 7. You're so fucked

Guy inventing boomerang: I hate this stick but have issues coping with loss

Smoke Detector 𝘖𝘩 𝘺𝘰𝘶’𝘳𝘦 𝘤𝘰𝘰𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 HEY EVERYBODY HE’S COOKING

You have angels and demons chicken fighting while I dance on the shoulders of the devil. While eating a slice of cake. ~We are not the same

Trust the FBC when we say pumpkin spice chimichangas should NEVER be a thing. This is an official stance.

I’ve always wanted a sloth for a pet but having to ask my husband 27 times to pick up his socks makes me realize be careful what you wish for.

Why have 6 abs when you can have 1 big one

Yes, bees knees are great, but let’s take a minute and talk about their cankles.

Everyone else: Nurse Ratched is a masterpiece, the clothes, the set, a beautiful prequel to OFOTCN Me: What...? JFC with the anticlimactic music already! Does this even have a point? Not even the devil is cruel enough to use this as a torture device in Hell, it's so bad.

I just wanna go back to the 90’s where everyone wore flannel and everything smelled like teen spirit.

My kids are in Karate class and I'm just sitting here thinking that I could kick the shit out of half these 6 year olds.

Me *swallows pride* Baby lion: holy shit