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i could never be a priest, i’d be in the confession booth texting the group chat like “guyssss you’ll never believe what this guy just said”

Therapy is nice but staring at the ceiling for an hour is free.

Drink your coffees and your waters and don’t be a douche today.

Twitter triggers feelings of inadequacy in me so I hide sometimes when I need to remember that none of this is real

Girls be like "I want a pickle"

Everyone is dealing with some shit or carrying some shit around, even those who seem like they're not, often times especially them. Don't ever think otherwise.

it’s me but 37 years old.

dude, your fucking tweets suck

Let me squeeze them as a friend

The hardest part with letting someone go is often less about losing the person and more about losing the hope you once associated with that person.

I think everyone feels like they’re hanging on by a shred of hope and duct tape. …but a shred of hope and a little duct tape can sometimes change everything for the better.

fucking amazon

I made coffee but forgot to add the coffee grounds if you are wondering how my mental state is this morning.

Another day of waking up and doing it all over again until we die

You call them red flags, I call them 10 fun facts you didn't know about me.

I could look one of my children dead in the face and call them by one of their siblings names.

You've tried everything? But how about not being a total POS?

I need a redo on this day.