I only check the news so I can understand the Onion's headlines.

Legendary Madison Field Hospital Solo #TheDivision #PS4share store.playstation.com/#!/tid=CUSA018…

i’m sorry ramon but im trying to honor my needs and act in alignment with what feels right within the scope of my life and our friendship doesnt fit in that framework. I can no longer hold emotional space for you and the support you need is beyond the scope of what I can offer

All for some Shortbow Kneepads. #TheDivision #PS4share store.playstation.com/#!/tid=CUSA018…

Holy Shitballs! #MyTwitterAnniversary

Right before he goes down on me, I like to ask.. ‘is it cake?!’

Hey Netflix Every time you check my internet speed it comes back faster. Just admit you can’t handle this event and I’ll forgive you while I pirate something I’m paying for. Sincerely, Ian

A storm is coming... This New Year's Eve, we're diving into #TheDivision's iconic Survival mode! Streamed by myself, Matt Shields- Splintershield, LividFray, BishopBoas, and many more! Shares, reposts, etc. appreciated greatly— we want to get the word out as much as possible! #RECKIT

super bowl prediction Kendrick lamar set: - not like us - squable up Suddenly the vibe shifts Flea from red hot chili pepper starts slapping the seinfeld theme FULL BLAST A brick wall lowers from the heavens A single mic raises from the floor Jerry seinfeld comes out

Elmo just hopes both teams have fun!

All the cuts on my shoulder are from your mom’s ankle monitor.

I guess Guy Fieri isn't Anne Burrell, after all.

Beyoncé looking like she's ready for Hell in a Cell

If you ever get attacked by a shark, remember to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of your misfortune.

Order Papa Johns they said. It will be good, they said.

In nomine Patris, et Filii, et Spiritus Sancti

Happy birthday to the Undertaker! Yes, you burned down the family home, encased my real father, Paul Bearer, in concrete, and set me on fire...a couple of times...but otherwise you're the best big brother anyone could ever hope for!