Fun Fact: House Speaker Mike Johnson has never seen himself naked.

Every McDonald's has a secret bathroom hidden behind the kitchen that only Mayor McCheese is allowed to use.

Camping is just caveman fantasy camp.

REJECTED SUMMER OLYMPIC EVENTS: -quidditch -low jump -water hockey -one yard dash -sodomy

Bursting into your bedroom with the WWE Money In The Bank briefcase to have sex with your wife.

Staying in character, John Cena now going to see make-a-wish kids and telling them to eat shit.

Didn't know where to get drugs, so I was left with no choice but to form a jazz band.

Gonna get really into goth and start calling myself Dark Twain.

Can't make it tonight. I'm writing Bible fan fiction.

We have two eyes and one brain so that we can watch porn twice as much as we think.

On the bright side, if we get nuked the Pacers won’t win a championship.

You know you're getting old when the children you're trying to abduct don't get your references anymore.

People keep encouraging me to "resist" but I can't because I know it will make my improv teacher furious.

Been informed that my new sperm bank isn’t legit because I am supposed to have (1.) an office, (2.) a business license, and (3.) other people’s sperm.

Some people don't like the Pentagon because of their enthusiasm for taking military action, but I like to remind those people that there's more than one side to the Pentagon. In fact, there are five.

Narc-ass radiologist acting like she's never seen someone light a cigarette in an MRI machine before.

Thunder In Heaven now.

I regret to inform you that your mom gave me a handjob in 1991 while we were watching Joe Versus The Volcano.