Leans back, puts the feet up, and enjoys a tall cool glass of wet vermouth

Happy 245th Birthday to the United States Marine Corps! Thank you for giving me the much needed stepping stone into adulthood. I was 7 days out of high school when I went to boot camp. I am thankful for everything I learned and for helping me become a better man. #USMC

I’m surprised there isn’t more slipping while wearing slippers.

General: Fire at will! Will: What the frick did I do?

That “chef” was so angry when you sent your food back. Good times.

Wait, how would a bad kisser know if somebody was a good kisser? Could a good kisser be mistaken as a bad kisser cuz the bad kisser receiving the kiss doesn’t know how to kiss? 🤔

The most difficult part about dressing up as Pinocchio at Disney World is maintaining the erection all day.

Me: *singing* Pretty woman, walking down the street. *waits for reaction* Pretty woman, the kind I’d like to meet. *waits* Pretty... Guy with long hair: *turns around* I’m a dude! Me: ...*sings* Dude looks like a lady!

I dreamed Harry had sex with the Sorting Hat. His dick was Slytherin.

[The Adventures of Mammal Man and Squid Dick] MAMMAL MAN (jumping out of his Mazda and waving): Hello... SQUID DICK (pointing at his own crotch): Look at my disgusting dick

Him: So how many times have you farted on my pillow. Me: Just enough to give you double pink eye. Him: *eyes glued shut with gunk* If I could see right now...

Direct Deposit: $1,400. Me: *Asks JLo out on a date*

Me: I remember when people used to care about what I sa... Waitress: *walks away, mid sentence, without my drink order*

Me: *calls Kenny* Come on, come on, pick up! Kenny! I messed up, man! I started counting my money while sitting at the table and everybody is staring at me! I don’t know when to run! WHEN DO I RUN, KENNY? I’m gonna run, man, I’m gonna run! *starts running* Kenny: Who is this?

I’m not saying I’m more of man than you, but the force of my urine stream lifted me off the ground.

[yelling over the music as we dance] I SAID, IF THIS WAS A TUESDAY I'DVE ALREADY BEEN ASLEEP FOR 4 HOURS

Wait .....how do the citizens of Gotham call Batman in the daytime?

I can tell you’re jealous of me by the way you count your Monopoly money when I pass Go.

I’m not saying my fart stank, but I walked into my own fart cloud and saw the devil. Ok, it stank. Like, really bad.

Del Taco is just a regular taco with Del's dick in it.