I'm not saying I'd win Gold, but if losing your train of thought was an Olympic event my ex-girlfriend is a whore.

Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie "Seven" with me and Morgurt Freeman? Doctor: I think you mean Morgan Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan

That explains it Simon Plaza RT What The F*** Facts: Every elder brother is 33% more likely to be gay than the very next younger brother.

For animals with an "amazing sense of smell" dogs sure do sniff piles of turds for a long time before realizing "Whoops, these are turds"

Survival tip: If you're ever getting attacked by a shark, slide a few fingers up your ass because the shark might be all like "Dude wtf"

It feels like the other guys know this is my first construction job even though there are little tractors on my overalls.

"The doctor will be in in a moment," are the magic words that get my body to think "Hurry up and fart. Let's get all our farts out now!"

When I saw that knife I knew it was him or me. So yeah babe, I've run with a turd in my slacks before.

Nothing is more embarrassing than getting busted playing air bass in the gas station bathroom mirror by the guy you're buttfucking

Let me pencil you in for Tuesday [does a quick sketch of a penis]

Once I met a guy who was a helicopter pilot and I tried to relate to him by saying "I went to high school with a guy who was a helicopter"

Anyone got any hot tips for getting your penis unstuck from under a toilet seat you're already sitting on? Already tried aloe

Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce

February 8th 2045 8:13pm Lightsaber invented February 8th 2045 8:14pm First lightsaber/butthole 911 call

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You get a new gig Schief ?RT Deadspin The Dodgers have a mascot now apparently. But dont dare call him a mascot. deadsp.in/mJQoFgb

im sitting on the toilet and when i pop open a corona the bathroom turns into a beach and some bikini babes walk past me shitting

Jed York: "Jim, you're fired" Jim Tomsula: (nods, hands over his badge and gun) Jed York: "holy shit Jim who gave you these?"

NaVorro Bowman interrupts Quinton Patton's interview: "Hey, make sure you take your diarrhea medicine tonight."