That's great, Ted, you'll be the most casual stalker ever

Our forefathers died for the pursuit of happiness, not the "sit-around-and-wait" of happiness

If a guy's got a scar, he's got a Robin, and if he's missing teeth, I'm missing my pants!

We have a baby on the way. An extra slap could really come in handy

Whichever country and timezone you are in, I'd like to wish you all a very happy new year :-)

But just know, this Victoria's Secret party is on a yacht! And what will be sticking to that yacht? The Barnicle!

It's not a stormtrooper!

Happy New Year to all my followers in NYC!

We hate Ted now. Get on board or the sexting stops "Ted's a son of a bitch!"

Yeah, 'cos that's what Santa needs at 3am while battling a snowstorm over the Rockies: a sugar crash. Santa needs protein

Club soda can get anything off

canadiansexacts.org

Do you know how many times I could have cheated on him? Six... no, seven. And you know two of them, and they would surprise you

That is the Dominator 8000. The best in the market, according to my whip guy. Yeah, I have a whip guy

I am going to have to walk this Earth knowing that Barney has touched my boobs "Yeah, it stays with you. His email reminders don't help"

I've been convinced for about three years that it would be Barney's sister!

I do not support this! "Gay marriage?" "No, not gay marriage - marriage!"

Ted, your problem is all you do is think, think, think. I'm teaching you how to do, do, do

You made it to 200. You should be proud. You should be tested, but you should be proud

Any woman who does that many Woody Allen movies has to have major daddy issues