i think we all know who was behind this

The guy who checked me in for my flight said, 'Have a good trip.' I said, 'You too'. Rookie mistake. I can never come to this airport again.

I'm on cloud 10 rtn since cloud 9 was already taken.

Naps sound great, but I just end up feeling like baby straight out of the womb: cold, afraid of light, and disgusted with the world.

He said marry me Juliet you'll never have to be alone, and I said my names not Juliet.

@flicktime33 you're just jealous cause that should have been you playing the class Old McDonald Had a Farm song.

I'm in love with the coco.. and by coco I mean coconut.. and by coconut I mean coconut oil it is the backbone of this country.

Some say midlife crisis, I say midlife opportunity.

My teeth are so clean that the dentist today thought I was a flosser. Celebrate life's small victories.

When Brick and Mortar coffee repost one of your Instagram pictures.

My desire and craving for Szechuan sause, even though I've never had it, is pretty unbelievable.

If you want to ruin your musical career at an early age then sell your soul to Kidz Bop.

The real problem for me in the morning is that I'm not waking up feeling like the famous American rapper, P. Diddy.

Anytime I feel a sharp pain in my abdomen.

This morning my mom couldn't find her hairbrush. My dad looks her dead in the eyes and said, "Maybe the peach has it."

People take so long to eat salads because they are looking for something DELICIOUS and they can't find it.

I like to challenge myself to see how many naps a day I can take. Not to brag but it's a lot.

I’ve gotten all my chapel credits. This is my greatest success.

I found two spiders in my car today so idk I guess it’s time to get a new car.