Hats off to the people at Amazon, who have clearly heard my new book is about the UK property market and categorised it as:

This is very sincerely the dream of everyone who has gone to law school since 1992.

To the girl on the ScotRail train who's just taken her shoes and socks off and has her bare feet on the seat... I hope you get quick treatment for whatever absurd foot based illnesses you're going to pick up

They should do this at every job. If I knew any mistake I made was gonna be torn apart by a group of teenage girls I’d never fuck up again.

The new hate crime bill is a gift, it's generated absolute gold like this woman who won't come here for a pizza incase she accidentally hate crimes during dessert. I need more.

People are being very weird about this, it genuinely sucks that you now need to sign up for a loyalty scheme at every supermarket you visit in order to get realistic prices, and that you need a bespoke phone app to do it

When someone wants to ‘jump on a call’ after I’ve written a thorough and detailed email

FREE BOOKS: I have a dozen proof copies of A Beginner's Guide To Breaking And Entering to give away! Just RT this tweet before Friday 12th April at 12 noon, when I will pick not one, not two, but TWELVE winners to receive their free signed and dedicated copy!

so the Tories have used images of:

An F-35, a US fighter jet
The *cough* Eurofighter
An unelected PM
The England team (which doesn’t represent Britain)
A cargo ship registered in Panama
Aston Martin, the main shareholders of which are led by a Canadian billionaire

i stan this breathtakingly simple out of office reply that says, in its ghostly entirety, 'i am OOO.'

The fact that it's so easy to confuse etymology and entomology is just one of those linguistic bugs

I once met an aspiring choir conductor who said that he 'didn't feel comfortable' around gay people, which is sort of like being an aspiring fisherman with a crippling fear of boats

“Hello, yes, do you have a copy of ‘We Fucking Warned You’ by 48.1% of the population?”

Bbz come quick: Cadbury just dropped the new heterosexual slur

My most millennial trait is big purchases must happen in big laptop screen

Haha if anyone is in London and wants to go find the Master of Malt whisky for us (if it's still there), i think we've got the location and will share it! 😂