a big pet peeve of mine is when people sneeze multiple times in a row. like figure that out and put an end to it… take some control of your life

My favorite thing to do while drinking is scheduling an Orangetheory Fitness class. Everything feels like a good idea.

I wish the NHL app had a way to make teams your “rivals” so instead of getting updates when they score I get updates on when they mess up and get scored on and look like little idiots so I can laugh at them at my own convenience

explain the penalty box to a non-hockey fan

they should invent a brain that doesn’t whisper bad things to you

FUCK YOU!! GO HOME!!! YOURE 45 YEARS OLD!!! YEAH YOURE ANCIENT!!!! YOU’RE A DINOSAUR!!!! ICE YOUR KNEES!!!!! GO THROW SOME VOLTAREN ON YOUR BACK YOU OLD MAN!!!!! GET THE CANE!!!!!!!!

instant mood booster 🍫🍓

A hero’s return to the ice:

I’m crying they all forgot why tf they were all fighting to begin with to watch

The ghosts are speaking Italian so he’s confused

OH MAMA DON'T YOU CRY 🦅 USA HOCKEY IS GOLDEN FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE 1980 🥇🇺🇸

i wanna start running but i’m confused how it works… am i just supposed to literally take off running? that’s so embarrassing 😭

hey if you ever need me i’m only 7 unread texts & a missed call away