Why did my aunt Cindy hire a stranger to dress up as Batman on thanksgiving for the purpose of entertaining my little cousin

Trump plays a lot of golf for the least athletic looking person alive

I hate texting my smart family members. How am I supposed to know how to use a semicolon at 22?

If I had twitter clout I would simply steal old tweets

I didn’t appreciate how good working for a high functioning alcoholic was until I saw low functioning

Freshly shaved head > freshly shampooed head

I wouldn’t be as bitter hearing how bad the new Star Wars is it I still had my $3 movie coupons

rick james This is a Gedeon tweet from start to finish

Did not expect Baby Yoda to hang dong in the first 30 minutes of episode 9

It’s a good thing whoever’s praying closes their eyes cause god knows nobody else does

Never thought I’d hear my little cousin say “Waluigi is uncircumcised” while playing frisbee on Christmas in the Midwest

Can't deep throat something so so tiny. Hahaha!

Two days left in the year and Terry Crews is flexing/supporting the Chinese government on Instagram. I’m over it

About to get my first haircut since 2018, what should I get?

Nothing says “I don’t know what I’m doing” like blindly punching a heavy bag barehanded

I’m sleeping soundly knowing the military didn’t want me 4 years ago and doesn’t want me now

How do you remember Drake’s entire discography but not that he grooms kids?

The National Prayer Breakfast?