Sorry I'm late everyone I forgot to kiss my cat goodbye so I had to run home really quick.

Can everyone shut up about drake, ABBA put our new music today for the first time in 40 years, announced a new album, and I feel like I'm the only one who cares.

Weed smokers are like I love being scared

Imagine being a cop for a normal 10 hour shift, coming home, and watching cops for the rest of your day

Happy October, remember she is watching.

I'm afraid to get an electric cat feeder because i know my cat will stop loving me.

Once a year I have to go bowling to remind myself I hate bowling.

Having the time of my life

She just told me if she had to listen to one artist for the rest of her life, it would be Juiceworld. I'm on the verge of fucking tears I can't take it anymore.

Hitting it off with a 35 year old mother of 1 in the club really signifies a new chapter in life for me

If I got to the afterlife and found out the meaning of life was burritos I would be pretty satisfied.

Ya I'm making progress on my career, good friends, and spending more time outside but at what cost? I'm bad at video games now, it's time to take a long like in the mirror and reprioritize.

San Diego is so chill I just rear ended someone they gave me a fist bump and said sorry.

As you trick or treat tonight please remember what this holiday is all about. Her.