Trying out alcoholism in an attempt to kill enough brain cells to accept this absolute fuckery

Mechanic asked me what size my tires are. I DON’T KNOW, 38C?

of course i'm awake, it's stupid o'clock

Back on my bullshit {walking the dog in my pjs}.

Having to buy a bag in a shop knowing full well you have 300 in a cupboard at home

Imagine hating me and I’m just over here laughing at your poetry tweets

“Good morning” - my anxiety greeting people on an evening walk

"I don't tell you how to live your life, Sonia"

Should be sleeping but I'm thinking about snacks instead.

You're in her DMs, she has just accidentally encountered me emerging fully-dressed, from a swim in a small lake, located upon my private estate. We are not the same.

I'm only here for the whimsy.

my imaginary friends think I’m moderately amusing

What fresh hell is this? *checks notes* Ah yes of course, Monday

Sometimes I think about all the time I wasted practicing my stop, drop & roll.

Hate it when my alarm goes off in the morning and I’m still alive

Just because your gf says she can handle the truth doesn’t mean she won’t throw a knife at you.

Woke up a pain in your arse and too much to handle again. Good morning fuckfaces!

“This is looking like a bullshit” -my 4-year-old when Disney+ wasn’t working this morning

"As I always say". *me when I've never said this before in my life

I love being out of the loop. I have no desire to be in any loop. Leave me out of as many loops as possible. In fact, keep all of your fucking loops away from me, you loop loving psychos.