If a dispensary launches a strain called COVID-19 and it doesn’t make me cough I should get my money back. #weed #COVID19

Never Forget #tysonvsjones #naterobinson #alwaysremember #knockout #tempurpedicfights

The NBA mandatory vaccine is gonna be like:

Is it even possible to leave Florida without a hangover?

⁦Jon Carden⁩

Going back to college at 34 is wild it’s like “Hi kids if you show me how to keg stand without hurting my back I’ll teach you how to have the perfect lawn” #backtoschool #collegelife

Teach them how to smell our Blood Alcohol Content and take the wheel if it’s too high. #ifonly #dogsoftwitter

FOX has a new show called Monarch about an elite country music family and their struggles at the top of their industry. Not to be confused with Empire which was about an elite hip-hop family and their struggles at the top of their industry.

I learned a lot about life and friendship when I realized that for every toilet paper company that’s out there trying to bring comfort to your butt, there are just as many that are making a product to destroy you. Charmin

Didn’t Optimus Prime already defeat Omnicron? Is this the sequel? If you drive a Camaro, stay woke. #Omnicron #Transformers #Chevrolet

Pete Davidson looks like if you say his name three times he’ll show up in a black and white striped suit and bang your girlfriend. #nyenbc #nye #PeteDavidson

The CIA will be deleting their black site torture playlist from Spotify.

Stop demanding that I speak on Joe Rogan @spotify. Joe is my friend and I fulfilled my black friend duties by sending him an emergency family set of dashikis. ONLY as a last resort.

The people that are calling 50cent fat are the same people that would’ve called Lizzo brave. We see you. #SuperBowl  #HalfTimeShow2022

Just posted a photo @ Laugh Out Loud Comedy Club San Antonio instagram.com/p/Ca3touxAR02/…

Thank god Chris rock didn’t take a shot at Alec Baldwin

I couldn’t fuck a cop cause I’d be moaning “Hootie Hoo”

Jon Carden will be at the House of Comedy in Phoenix March 30th through April 2nd! For tickets follow @GoingToTheJon on instagram! #CrackleCrackle