my job fired me yesterday (saw it coming, just a seasonal position, already have a new job) and they asked me if i could still show up for my shift today bc no one else could take it. i said yes. it is now 10 mins past when i was supposed to clock in and i am laying in bed. 💕

Me: *lays down to go to sleep* My brain: WHOPPER WHOPPER WHOPPER WHOPPER JUNIOR DOUBLE TRIPLE WHOPPER

Hey Beer Twitter, I was recently let go from my job as a Production Manager for Levante Brewing Company. If you know of any job openings, or feel inclined to hit that retweet button, I’ll buy you a beer for your troubles!

James Comey felt compelled to announce the reopening of the Hillary email investigation because it had already been leaked by two agents at the NY FBI office, one of whom we now learn was a Russian agent. Don’t tell me Putin didn’t steal the 2016 election.

Chevron announced a $75B buyback and dividend increase today, in case anyone was wondering what the free market is doing about climate change.

NO ONE should be receiving menstrual data — not Ron DeSantis, not any other governor, no one.

Stopping any professional sports game to hold a ceremony for a record being broken is disrespectful to sportsmanship IMO.

AOC: So Twitter changed their own policy after Trump violated it to accommodate his tweets?

We just shooting random shit out of the sky every few days now?

couldn’t unhear it so i had to do this

I’m all for taxing billionaires, but taxing unrealized gains is one of the dumbest ideas I’ve ever heard.

Good for Brittney Griner, weed is legal in Arizona.

Conservative mom goes undercover at drag show for kids... 🫣😱

Hoooooly shit.

I swear every executive in corporate America watches “Succession”.

Well, I think it’s safe to say that the band Goose is my version of Phish. Tonight’s show is gonna be like my 15th one. I don’t even listen to them THAT much outside of their shows.

Oh cool. Guess we do live in a country where no one is above the law.

Boxer briefs without the dick hole are just the worst.