I lost a lot of friends by getting too fucked up at parties and waiting on the toilet for someone to wipe me

I'm gonna tweet something life changing when I get home from work. Right now I'm eating a lunchable.

The main impediment to even the staunchest of libertarians becoming a proponent of a social welfare system is three missed paycheques.

The 8 bit Ghostbusters theme is pure rock n roll

Drank so much wine the fruit flies are hovering near my open mouth.

I'll be right back after i shoot up

I would need to talk to you in person to be sure.. Twitter is ripe with the Oedipus Complex

I joined Twitter to do something good.. to help people

Anyone else ever notice Mario is just a little bit faster than Luigi? Twitter 1983 probably

Every tweet is useful sooner or later

being buried alive is the ultimate weighted blanket

Currently doing the Taco Cleanse

My statistician friend insists I'm having a median life crisis.

If i can't run my whore mouth on Twitter.. I'm out of options

It's my #Twitterversary! I have been on Twitter for 11 years, since 13 Aug 2008 (via Twi Age 🥳).

It's my #Twitterversary! I have been on Twitter for 12 years, since 13 Aug 2008 (via Twi Age 🥳).

It's my #Twitterversary! I have been on Twitter for 13 years, since 13 Aug 2008 (via Twi Age 🥳).

It's my #Twitterversary! I have been on Twitter for 14 years, since 13 Aug 2008 (via Twi Age 🥳).

Say "excrement" instead of "excellent". Nobody will notice because people really don't listen for shit.