If your link redirects to browser, fuck your link.

Sorry, my mom said I cant find any more soulmates on the internet

FUCK FEET

all my tweets are subtweets if you’re intuitive or narcissistic or petty enough

just imagine your dad’s face if you brought home a dude named Warby Parker

so you can’t buy more than a box of Sudafed at a time but this motherfucker had 60 magazines with over 1600 bullets

filled a feeder with Mtn Dew Code Red and one hummingbird wearing tiny Oakleys asked if I even lift

Clown pussy should squirt at you if you lean in to smell it.

You can find me at the beach this summer faking jellyfish stings to get someone to pee on me

I've seen enough movies where people are forced into a bathroom during a home invasion so yes there's a Ziploc full of gummie worms in the toilet tank.

I knocked on the bathroom door at the gas station and dude goes “come in”

A boebert sounds like some sort of wetland bird.

sorry i dozed off a little while i was being there for you

What doesn’t kill you nags you to eat her pussy

*drinking bourbon and re-following all the people that accidentally soft blocked me this year

Dildo I just found in my hotel's air vent tastes like lamb vindaloo.