If your kid is missing any school this year, it's a good time to start getting those 10 years of experience he'll be expected to have after graduating.

I'm fighting online about if a city is dead even though it's not a person.

I'm not gonna miss movie theatres. Not once did an employee layer the goddamn butter. Just soggy bullshit for the first 5 cm, followed by a dry salty void. This is their reckoning.

Bermuda triangle ain't shit. Bermuda Rhombicosidodecahedron, that I might get out a slide rule for.

So many art thieves forget to melt the art down into untraceable art ingots.

I used to have nightmares about being on a stage for a play and not knowing my lines. I would wake up thinking nothing could be worse than this. Than I met improvisers and realized how right I was.

I was good at the grocery store today so I got to go home with a chocolate milk.

*me at 31 learning Al Capone was arrested at 33* WHAT?? He was just a baby!!

Prince Philip looks like Joe Biden picked the wrong grail.

Protip: If you're outta bubble bath, use marshmallows.

As a kid, I thought test tubes were gonna be way more important in everyday adult life.

My rider states that every show I'm on must have at least one Tom Waits reference. It's my Black Rider.

Why did we decide only eggs need a dedicated timepiece

Sanitizing everything is exhausting. I look forward to not needing to boil my capris suns.

*Interior, Sucker Punch writers room* "Ok Zack we've got some really cool action shorts here, we just need a plot device to stitch them togehter." "....Feminism?" "Do you know what that is?" "No, do you?" "Fair enough, let's make a movie."

Hey Vancouver! We’re coming to you Oct. 27-30 at The Cultch. For tickets and info on Covid-19 safety protocols visit cbc.ca/1.3232525. Feels great to be back!!!

There are real people out there that have bought a jetski to own.

I'll thrilled to announce I'll be at one of these great shows! Oct 29, but check out literally any of them, they're all gonna be amazing.

The Mario games really show how no matter how much you do for a woman she just can't date you if you're shorter than her.

I misplaced my mise en place.