I grow more powerful every day

I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that I will die someday. The good news, dear reader, is that I will be dying for your sins. So go on, be bad, you little perverts.

I hope they defund the cops in my town and use the funds to subsidize elote carts.

Feeling cute. Might delete later

Facebook, I demand you stop censoring this beautiful young uncle

I’m not sure, but I think the Las Vegas Raiders stadium was built on the exact spot where they filmed that scene in the first Hangover movie where a nude Ken Jeong emerges from the trunk of a car.

“Proud slut” should be on more tombstones.

#LostDad

If someone tells you they are a firefighter, the polite thing to do every single time is to ask if they’ve heard of the sandwich place.

If the woman really loves the man, as soon as her genitals reach the man's, she silently sucks up his organ within herself. The man has no need to make any effort. If the woman's love is strong, her body sucks up his organ as air is sucked up into an empty space.

Some nice regret upon opening Twitter after a long absence. I love my phone’s apps

Where has the passion gone?

It’s ok that I’ve never once gone viral in my ten years on this site. I’ll cope

The doctor that delivered me was my age when I was born, but I invented a tradition called thirtytuesday where you sneak-drink a 32oz Modelo at work every Tuesday. Not all heroes are vagina doctors.

Dubstep is what all music sounds like to dogs

When the PCP kicks in…

If you mix up the letters in “magotty drowned rat.” You get “gay deodorant art (wmg). It really makes you think.