I've just finished writing my latest work of fiction*.

*To-do list

Wanna feel old? The guy working at the c+c music factory is now two days away from retirement

If I'm on my cheese binge just leave me provalone

I like your 8008S.

Quick, someone call me a good girl. For I have swallowed all my vitamins…the whole load 💪

Maybe your overpriced coffee, in a disposable cup with your name misspelt, will fix you.

Good intentions are just that. Good, until your bad self gets its way

Often, deciding on who you are is deciding on who you never want to be again.

My dad has beers with his buddies each Wednesday and makes a list of things to talk about beforehand and it is the cutest thing in the world!

Everytime I get out of the pool, “God I am so heavy”.

Nothing makes me angrier than when reading a spicy book you selected FOR the spice and they gloss over it. No no no, you’re gonna stay here and show me how he fucked her and you can leave when I say you’re done

Sure you may think you're a cool dad but wait until you find yourself in the middle of Sephora wondering if you just pronounced 'squalane' correctly

I had two enormous cookies with a glass of milk last night and let me tell you I'm still riding that high

Sorry Dave. It's not a good idea to convert that drug paraphernalia into a room lamp. Two bongs don't make a light.

Odysseus: Mom, I'm going on an odyssey!

His Mom: Okay honey have fun.

Ulysses: Mom I'm going on a ulyssey!

His Mom: No.

PSA if you get stuck in a convo abt cryptocurrency you can easily get out of it by making sustained eye contact

Them: you can always make new friends

Me: out of what ?

Why are there like 40 toddlers at my local brewery? A lot of them aren't even drinking.

Falling in and out of place