6:00pm Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry? 4: nope 6:15 Me: almost ready for dinner? 4: not yet 6:25 Me: Time to wash your hands to eat. 4: But I’m not hungry 6:30 Me: are you- 4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?

Me: That’s larger than life you see.. Miss 9: YOU’RE larger than life

My 6yo: *has the flu and coughed in my mouth* Me: Fuck!

Out for a nice family walk yesterday. Miss 9: Look! There’s a perfectly normal family behind us.

Not only does the nail salon always point out my mustache, but now my toddler does it too.

My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.

I’m a “will take some change from my kid’s piggy bank when I have no cash for the tooth fairy” type of parent.

When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on

“Why would I pee into the toilet when there’s a perfectly good floor and wall right next to it?” - My sons, probably

My kid drew a duck riding a spaceship.

Sorry I was late. Someone double-dog dared me to do something

My husband and I were squabbling at the breakfast table and our kid put the cereal box between us so we’d stop, how quickly the child becomes the parent

Dads will buy a Roomba to save an hour to vaccum and then spend two hours staring at Roomba vaccum

Ever put your kid to bed and realize an hour later you’re still watching SpongeBob?

My kid asked me for pasta right before a meeting, so he’s about to get a lesson in al dente

PRIME hydration bottles are to tween boys what Stanley Tumblers are to their Moms.

My dad just yelled at me for touching the thermostat at our vacation condo. I am 38 years old, some things never change.

Toddler Math is giving their mom 25 rocks to hold even though they hold no form of currency in this country.

I bet this was about his first night at home with a newborn.