Gf: so we just wanted to say we're engaged! Her dad *looks at me* you should have asked me first Me: you're not really my type though

Captain: relax, it’s just a title Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU

[My funeral] Boss: *solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me we are so understaffed today

ranch hand: have u ever ridden a horse me: *riding it like a skateboard* ya ranch hand: thats not how u rid- me: *kickflips horse* ranch hand: holy fuckin shit

how do people come up with this stuff x.com/NoshinOcean/st…

The top isn’t defined by anyone but Nic Cage

card got declined at chuck e cheese and they kept my kid. sorry kevin the rat is your father now

her: let’s role play Me: ok I’ll be elmo and you’ll be- Her: elmo? Me: oh fuck yes two elmos

Mama Bear: The porridge is ready Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours

yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist

I used to work at a Haunted House and I pitched a room that was a long black hallway leading to a door that said "employees only" and if you were brave enough to open that there was a sweaty guy in half a gorilla suit eating a sub saying "you guys can't be back here".

disney exec: it’s about a guy who thinks he’s a monkey lol. probably don’t need anything too crazy for the soundtrack. phil collins: [eyes glowing white, levitating above the ground] no

can he do that??

did a fish write this

And then when all hope is lost, who comes down the mountain but the grinch himself

"New year, new me," I say as I disappear and eventually resurface as the Count of Monte Cristo

critic: jazz is about the notes you don’t play me: [mouth wrapped around wrong end of saxophone] critic: he is magnificent

Them: I hope this email finds you well. Me: *eating bagel bites in my pajamas at 4 PM* It does not