[Me as a cop] Partner: Dude you gotta work on your catchphrase Me: *slamming criminal's head on car hood* UNLIMITED BREADSTICKS

Some people don’t know that “it’s” is short for “it is,” but it’s

Hey girl, are you a bicycle? Cause I've been diagnosed with visual agnosia

Don't forget to call Shaft today even though he's a bad mother

Okay so in this joke it's an episode of Antiques Roadshow but it's the 18th century and the guy is like "you just bought this"

Whoomp, Where Is It Now?: A Retrospective

i never should have gone back to school

me: *hands him $50 gift certificate* waiter: sorry, this is expired me: *sliding him a $50* how about now

Researchers Determine Coelacanth Faked Own Extinction To Escape Massive Gambling Debt bit.ly/3JV1Jkl

Magritte: Ceci n'est pas une pipe Officer: Tell that to the judge

bob costas: “we’re here in cleveland, where the slight autumn chill in the air is a bleak reminder of the chilling fact that each day we are all spiraling towards the unavoidable conclusion we call death” ron darling: “i think he goes fastball here”

I guess they finally killed that bug npr.org/2023/01/07/114…

A 31 year old Joe Biden just woke up from a long nap on the Amtrak. All he remembers from the dream is a white rectangle that could hold a thousand songs

I hope this email kills us both

THE ANAGRAM KILLER: If you ever want to see your family again, you have ten seconds to anagram the word... "dictation" ME: *sobbing* I can't do it