-settle down. Her: Yeah, I wish he would call he was perfect. (HEAD BANG)

Women vs Men: Getting ready for a date

Women: Oh my god I have nothing to wear (goes shopping)

Men: We put what on that is clean and fits us good that week

Women: Take 2 hours just to do their hair for the date. Men: You're lucky if we wash our hair

Women: Need to have a mani/ped/wax/eyebrow done. Men: we shave in the morning like usual and hope you like 5 o'clock shadow at night

Women: Need to break out the 7 inch platform stiletto fuck me heels they can't walk in: Men: we put our "good sneakers" on

Women: Have to match the jewelry with the purse and the makeup. Men: we just grab our wallet

Women: Need to carry half their cosmetics with them and mace in a clutch bag: Men: you're lucky if we use an after shave

Men: Arrive on time with a clean car we waxed down with all afternoon. Women: Constantly late, cuz they lurk outside for 30 min waiting 4 u

Then they call their girlfriends and make sure its safe, then cross their fingers and hope you're the hunk in the restaurant.

I swear the only reason the human race keeps going is one statement. Maurey Povich: YOU ARE THE FATHER!

So out of respect R.I.P dad. P.S tell mom I said Fuck you

My parents were famous for hallway sex. Went like this...Mom passed dad and said Fuck you and dad replied Fuck You Too. #hallwaysex

I rather enjoy my little box, its nice and comfy inside. Has all my favorite things (rubs the walls)

Oh...my brother is a father. Hope he chokes on a macaroni from his kids father's day cards

I used to have a heart, then I found out how much a family can hate the fuck out of each other.

Starting to become retweet time. Leave DMs

I lost my funnybone, so I asked my friends. Nobody seen it but someone thinks it ran off to Vegas to elope. (Throws rice)

Not even puttin an A.P.B out on that one.