I had a girlfriend with a figure like an ancient Chinese vase.
She was Minging.

#worthabitthough #lunchpun #ratemypun #jokeoftheday #badjokefriday

I was on this fairground ride, and one minute I was laughing and the next I was crying. It was an emotional rollercoaster.

#lunchpun #ratemypun #jokeoftheday #BADjokeThursday

I’m still trying to figure out why the word ‘Mercedes’ has three ‘e’s and they are all pronounced differently.
And now you are all pronoucing 'Mercedes' very slowly to see if I'm right.

#lunchpun #ratemypun #jokeoftheday #BADjokeThursday

At a restaurant last night I asked for a bowl of soup. Waitress says ”Any sides?'
I said ”I hope so, or it'll go EVERYWHERE.'

#lunchpun #ratemypun #jokeoftheday #WednesdayWit

Smoked Salmon for lunch… very difficult to light though.

#lunchpun #ratemypun #jokeoftheday #WednesdayWit

Went to a foot fetish restaurant – got toe’d in the hole.

#lunchpun #ratemypun #jokeoftheday #tuesdaytitters

Just written an acapella instrumental

#NoStringsAttached #lunchpun #ratemypun #jokeoftheday #tuesdaytitters

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be

#lunchpun #ratemypun #jokeoftheday #MondayJokes

Anyone who thinks women aren’t funny are idiots. Have they never seen Lily Savage, Mrs Browns Boys or Dame Edna Everage?

#ladylols #lunchpun #ratemypun #jokeoftheday #MondayJokes

I’m spontaneously on my way to North East Africa. Something I just decided to do all of a Sudan. #khartoumcharacter #lunchpun #ratemypun #jokeoftheday #badjokefriday

Wife got excited last night when I said I was looking on the internet for cheap flights. Strange – she's never shown any interest in darts before!

#lunchpun #ratemypun #jokeoftheday #BADjokeThursday

Only just learned how to whistle. Perhaps that’s why I’ve been such a rubbish referee u til now?

#lunchpun #ratemypun #jokeoftheday #BADjokeThursday

My mates’ girlfriend has never owned a Parrot but she’s had a Cockatoo!

#dirtygirl #lunchpun #ratemypun #jokeoftheday #WednesdayWit

I enjoy my hobby as a bell ringer but when people answer their door they are not as keen as me. #answeryourdoors #dingdong #lunchpun #ratemypun #jokeoftheday #WednesdayWit

Duck orgy tonight - come on down.
#lunchpun #ratemypun #jokeoftheday #tuesdaytitters

When it came up for sale, I nearly bought the local Post Office, but couldn’t afford the stamp duty. #gotmelicked #firstclassjoke #lunchpun #ratemypun #jokeoftheday #tuesdaytitters

Making the most from their half hour boat hire. #boatrace

Tried to steal a mime artists suitcase recently but when I picked it up I just couldn’t move!

#whatacarryon #unspeakablecrime
#lunchpun #ratemypun #jokeoftheday #BADjokeThursday

Was it a good idea to implant a calculator into my brain? Well it’s the thought that counts.

#headofmaths #doesntaddup #lunchpun #ratemypun #jokeoftheday #BADjokeThursday

I’m getting very good at bending dogs together into the shape of a balloon

#fullofhotair #lunchpun #ratemypun #jokeoftheday #WednesdayWit