asking the turbotax person if they’ll visit me in jail

your honor like omggg who caresss

sorry I unliked your tweet I changed my mind

I’m the type of driver that would use their blinker while running from cops during a high speed chase.

Jellyfish have no brains, which makes them perfect candidates for group projects or politics.

went into dominoes and said "pizza pizza" they shot me in the chest with a rifle

Watch this tweet be the one that goes viral.

My oil painting of Lomein

The “die alone with cats” threat doesn’t scare women anymore.

You ever just thought, "I'm gonna fuck that pizza with my mouth?" Cause I just did...

Life improves tremendously when you stop being self-conscious.

final game in 48 hours. last man standing. 1 winner. i choose who survives. comment your player name.

Im happy today so im hosting a party today, here are the entry fees: Crocodile: 0.49$ Cow: 9.99$ Sparrow: 10.49$ Chicken: 24.99$ (same cost as a bucket chicken) Bull: free if cow comes or else 10$ Lion: 49.99$ Mr Mallard/Duck: 4.49$ Pig: 14.49$ Rat: 5.49$ Cat: 5.49$ Dog: 6.49$

If you see me on a veranda, in Barbados with a smoke show, sipping a Negroni, under a full moon, with Marvin Gaye playing on the low, no you didn’t.

I mean what the fuck?