My mom and step-dad have spent the better part of quarantine building what they call their "Mini Modern House." It is, quite literally, a miniature marvel, and the world needs to see it. Fully built and designed from scratch, the MMH comes with... +Functioning electricity

#CommonCensored #RedactedTonight

HOLD THE LINE. Don’t give up hope. The only things that stand in our way are: every hedge fund, every institutional bank, the CIA, our government, the entire media except Barstool Sports, and most of the tech world.

My wife said there’s a lack of passion in our relationship but I don’t think that’s true because she was screaming pretty loud when she said it.

once Twitter introduces a fix that can inform the tweet reader of the tone of a tweet (some psychic link thing I guess) then I am going to be VERY highly rated on this site. I'm not saying I'll be "The King of Twitter" but others have been saying it and I'd be honored, thank you.

Do you remember when you joined Twitter? I do! #MyTwitterAnniversary weird coincidence: out of the blue I just tweeted like 10 dumb jokes for no reason... I guess my higher self knew this was a special day, and I should celebrate in my traditional fashion of being hilarious! 🎉

if computers existed 300 years ago everything would have been made with wood and iron bcuz they still hadn't invented plastic. you'd've had to use sap for lube and the porn would've had more bears and otters, probably

I gave out lot of good advice and even some mystic-grade wisdom overnight, and dammit it just feels good to be one of God's favorite messengers again. When you are, you just know it, and also you get a big ol' boner too. Literally. That's where the word "bonus" comes from.

how many of you have ever wondered if you should keep the sock on your fuel pump, or say fuck it and just roll the dice? also: what do people do on Saturdays when they don't own a 30 year old truck? sleep? sex? ..... I'll bet it's sex... pictured: out w/the old, in w/the new

this is the tweet that never ends retweeting on and on my friends some one wrote it long ago out of boredom, high on blow

I made plans but God laughs at plans so fuck me

Trust is a savings account it's not a line of credit or front you can spend then burn the lender, dead it, and forget it; you build a trust over time, you bank it but never bet it so when you use it you do it so you don't ever regret it. -V

God laughs when man makes plans, but that's just nervous laughter, man makes God uncomfortable

when we all move into virtual reality here soon, I'll be running for e-chancellor, or e-despot, or wtvr we're gonna call it vote for me and I'll legalize fire flowers and 1-UP mushrooms!

my godmother died 6 yrs ago. my mom died 4 yrs ago. my dad died 2 yrs ago. my godfather died this year. all my parents are gone. guess who had cake for dinner, breakfast, and lunch?!