men who mow the lawn while drunk make me sick. respect the lawn

I stand up to give my best man speech and immediately begin sobbing straight into the microphone. It takes me 3 minutes to regain enough composure to point vaguely in the direction of the bride and groom and murmur “dream blunt rotation” before I lose it again

the only lasting 9/11 memory i have is when the budweiser ad with the kneeling clydesdales came on during the super bowl and i said "those horses are praying to mecca" and my friend's uncle got so mad that he had to go in the backyard

ORC KENDRICK: I craft my blade i try to slay mistakes i made. you aint been underground like me. you aint laid out of sin like me. Green skin, dollar tint, dick long, money spent {Soulful beat switch} These caves dont hold secrets.. ELF DRAKE: How I always lose U in these woods

Darth Erogenous ORC DANNY BROWN: Put the hai in the uruk // Green pussy with da syrup // Bruiser roll up on ya camp and eat the ass of the women (squad!) DWARF 2010 KANYE WEST: (playing every synthesizer note at once) My bitch small like soy sauce

Republicans: We need another civil war right now. Democrats: Girl you gotta VOTE for it then💛💙 Nelly if he was a bullfrog: If you wanna come and eat a fly with me, swim around in the pond when we’re frisky, oh why do I love this lake (Hey! Bugs in my tummy!)

Shohei ohtanis team mate: wow man you hit that ball 500 feet The demon that lives inside Shohei’s heart: if you don’t bet the under on the Steelers pre season game the World will find itself bathed in fire

My biggest customer😭 You own me forever.

Can’t wait until someone tweets “Elon is a pedophile with no friends” and it becomes a Certified Banger and they have to delete the whole thing

I didn't know who this woman was until this week, but I need her to KEEP SPEAKING PUBLICLY!

Ben Gvir and friends wearing a noose to signal their support for executing detainees, clearly designed to look like a yellow hostage ribbon at first glance. That’s heritage minister Amichai Eliyahu on the right, who oversees the ethnic cleansing of Sebastia.

I do think if you don’t understand who the bad guys are in Starship Troopers you prob should be kept in a pen with a feed bag strapped to your face watching looped footage of explosions and funny nut shots. I think it would be a mercy. Ironically one of my most fascist opinions

The best Homer-eating sounds 🔊 -a thread

This is the exact type of shit Future raps about

I didn’t do any of those things because I fear losing my dignity more than I fear losing my life. Something you coward losers will never understand. So fuck off.

To Live and Die in LA only having a $6M budget, looking like this every frame, and having one of the greatest car chases ever filmed, gotta be one the greatest dollars-to-absolute-cinema ratios of all time, Friedkin and Müller were such gods

Jake Paul YOU GOT BEAT THE FUCK UP NIGGA SHUT UP 😂😂😂 IF NETFLIX TOLD YOU BAD BUNNY WAS GONNA WALK YOU OUT AT YOUR NEXT ASS WHIPPIN YOU WOULD BE WAVING A PR FLAG ON COMMAND 😂😂😂

Otacon's whole "I built a giant robot superweapon for the US military because giant robots in anime are really cool and they told me it would be a strictly defensive tool I never expected them to make it launch nuclear weapons" bit in MGS seems silly until you see this shit

He is Not Manspreading he is Protecting His 3 Count Em Three Beverages

POV you’re my wife cracking the bathroom door open after I’ve texted you “toilet paper”