If I ever get self esteem y’all better lookout.

* goes to the gym * lays on the mat to stretch * falls asleep

Saw the washing machine only had 6 minutes left so I decided to wait in the basement until it was done. That was 4 hours ago.

i have healed my inner child. i am now on to healing my inner teenager, and she is a gremlin. we're getting revenge

Me: *making tea* Also me 6 minutes later: what the hell is that whistling sound?!

Her: I love you. Me: ❤️ Her: Why did you say "heart emoji"?

female rage is pretending to not be upset about something you have every right to be upset about

What parenting books won’t teach you is that your child’s social life depends on how much you can tolerate the other parents

Look Ma, no handle on things

she wears short skirts I'm sending an email. she's cheer captain and I'm circling back on my previous email

RP for your chance to win this signed Pat Freiermuth mini helmet!

I can do all things through spite, which strengthens me.

Called a bad driver in traffic a “pantalooned fuckwit” so don’t get on my bad side or else

Be the Facebook Marketplace customer you wish to sell to. Or whatever Gandhi said.

Definitely need to be fed dinner tonight. Seeking volunteer. It's fine if you're creepy.

Me when it drops below 70 degrees: