Lmao, UPS is like "you have a package arriving today. Would you like to watch it circle your house on a map for 6 hours today?" Why, yes. Yes, I would.

Maximize the good. Minimize the negative.

If you put people in jail for drugs, you're a fucking piece of shit.

Nothing makes your knowledge feeling more useless than other people's ignorance.

The anger that consumed me digested into an undying sadness.

Hey Netflix, why do you insist one having like 25 categories, but all with the same 50 movies/shows? Seriously, can you make ONE category with ALL 72 movies/shows you offer?

I think, therefore, I'm.

You ever smell the flame of a lighter real close? Smells just like burnt nose hairs.

"If you want to lift yourself up, lift up someone else." -Booker T. Washington

My ultimate plan is to make enough money to disappear and never see "people" again. We're gettin' there. I'm only giving this plan like 9 more years.

You cannot do a kindness too soon, for you never know how soon it will be too late. -Ralph Waldo Emerson

I know I'm not dead yet, but if y'all could just refer to me as "The late Michael Boccuzzi", that would be great. I can never show up anywhere on time. People will be like "he died??". And you can be like "not yet, he's running late, like usual 🙄".

Them- I saw a ghost and she was in period clothing! Me- OMG! ...they have clothes for that?

I found aphids on my damn cilantro plant. Internet says to spray them with a mix of dish soap, vegetable oil, and water. Done. Great. Now my cilantro is going to taste like soap.

Never shared any pics from Friday! It was a good show. Felt nice to be back on stage with the boys again. Special thanks to Fate on Canvas for kicking things off! Thank you so much to everyone who came out and helped make it a great night!

Omg. Amazing.

You ever wake up to Alexa whispering some Manchurian Candidate wake words shit at you in the middle of the night with zero prompting? Because I just did and it is pretty horrifying.