today i learned my alexa records and remembers everything i’ve said to her

Perfect timing. I’m available all of 2024 to film

congratulations this is the funniest tweet i’ve ever seen

"I'm just blunt." No you aren't blunt. You just dont care how you talk to people because you think your opinion is more important than respect or courtesy. I hate when people think the only way to be truthful is to be blunt, harsh or rude. (1/2)

Do you remember when you joined X? I do! #MyXAnniversary

Therapy is not enough I need to uppercut my father

you’re laughing. i ask you who wrote party rock anthem. and you’re LAUGHING.

The NFL to Taylor Swift now that the season is over

You wouldn’t last an hour in the asylum where they raised me

My oil painting of an Espresso Martini and Uncrustable

I strongly believe that only some form of heavenly intervention or divine inspiration can produce a tweet like this

Video from 2021 resurfaces of Trisha Paytas’ ‘Frenemies’ co-host Ethan Klein telling her he will cut his arm off if she’s ever on SNL. She made her debut last night.

not to be controversial but you should be allowed to leave work early to get drinks if the weather is nice enough

how it feels to correct someone about something i’ve liked for years

Wtf this gotta do with me?

Do you remember when you joined X? I do! #MyXAnniversary