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a pigeon at pride

going to urgent care because my nipples are so sensitive

No I’m not nervous ha ha why would I Be norvous

What is timothée wearing tonight it better be stupid

the Shamet jersey stays ON during sex

sleeping on the bottom bunk next to my kid wearing giant matching sleep masks we both look dumb as hell goodnight

ok I’m not usually one to say it but this feels iconic

My mother-in-law (rabid Mets fan) is here for the weekend and she’s still trying to teach me baseball 14 years later. I was never going to escape NY sports fandom I never even stood a chance

golf szn

really considering drinking a white claw right now and calling it brunch

#NewProfilePic it’s fine I’m fine everything is FINE

just finished reading a really scary book and now I’m scared

the Knicks called and asked if I’d be the new head coach. Not sure what that has to do with basketball? but if they insist

[bragging to the doctor who’s monitoring my husband’s blood pressure]

I’m not even saying this for Twitter attention even though I #deserveit but it’s baffling how good Stella Blue coffee actually is

why on earth are u choosing to use a term as heinous as “flat doggy” when the word pronebone exists? Have some class