trying to rally my reply guys to buy me a comedy club

Son of a bitch there’s an Etta James version

my client was just living that life Von Dutch ur honor

I also had an off night with a debate this week.

This is all I see when I watch "House of the Dragon"

running for president if it means i can shoplift

WIAT You’re telling me broccoli is gluten free?!!!! Jackpot!!!!

when i see a baby being born and he's screaming and crying, i'm like "you're telling me, brother." i'm nudging the doctor laughing like 'tell me about it' whenever i see a baby being born, which happens for me a couple times a week-ish. but every single time, that's what i say

People always tell me “You should get out of your comfort zone” and I’m always like, Where this zone is that speak of?

Some career advice that changed my life: posting to Instagram grid counts as “getting a lot of writing done”

Whenever a girl is like, “I want your hair!!” I’m like, you don’t have the spine for it, Jessica. You wouldn’t last a day. You’d be in tears by 9am.

What’s wrong babe? You’ve hardly touched your accountability for your own actions.

We need two different car horns one for an alert and another for you’re a complete and utter moron

Remembering the time I got dumped on Fourth of July like we GET it you like freedom