So now the accounts who have a blue check mark on here are the same people who bought a class ring

Love hearing why you cant come to my shows. Really always enjoy hearing it.

Mass graves are depressing as hell. Having roommates even when you’re dead?!

Mind you, it took 73 years just to find the actual Titanic

The Titanic is undefeated in killing the wealthy at sea.

Re: Jonah Hill’s gross texts: my therapist honestly changed my life when he stopped me from saying someone was “violating my boundaries” and explained that boundaries are values you impose on yourself and your own behavior, not rules you can enforce on other people.

The bra now comes off in the parking lot after work.

“Stay sitting in a chair and leave me alone,” a memoir, by Cari Kidd (my mom).

What a fun way to phrase this

Pretending this warm cheese + room temp chip is a cold nacho to make it less disgusting. Follow for more mindset shifts.

Find a decent bagel. Try that in a small town

showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut

My evangelical cousin thinks a group of crows is called an abortion

The unfortunate trade off for modern women.. you have to get 9 abortions in order to find denim shorts that fit really good

*putting on postal uniform* I know a dog HATE to see me coming.

watching the debate as a form of self harm

I just know he was told not to drop that dogs and cats hoopla

I’ll be honest with you I’m not going to vote for a presidential candidate if I don’t think they could survive being on a trampoline