The police have informed me Cupid isn't real and that the person who fired an arrow at my girlfriend was just a random guy in a nappy.

ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one? GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it

I'm on Mastodon and I'm posting stuff again and it feels great and freeing please do not follow me there

SNIPER: [lying on rooftop] I’ve got the target in my sights VOICE IN EAR: Take the shot SNIPER: [turns head very slowly to look at shoulder] MOUSE: You heard me. Pull the trigger

ok I'm on threads. posted something bizarre. one like. little warm tingle. the nightmare continues.

ME: [watching Oppenheimer] What a complex guy OPPENHEIMER: How did you get into my office?

The Rime of the Ancient Mario

well like a lot of people I'm over on bluesky with the same username as here - joejwest.bsky.social - and I'm also actually posting nonsense there if that's your sort of thing.

ME: Eat your lemon PIRATE: No ME: It stops scurvy PIRATE: [folds arms, shuts eye] ME: [carves tiny skull on lemon] PIRATE: [opens eye a bit]

DATE: I'm leaving ME: Why? D: You keep pretending to be a bat M: I don't D: You're doing it right now [a single tear rolls up my forehead]

GF: I'm sick of you pretending you're a detective. We should split up ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.

HITMAN: Who's the target? ME: [slides photo across table] HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek? ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse

MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line] GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit

FILM IDEA: Actually, Love Comedy following 8 different mansplainers, correcting people online in a series of loosely interrelated tales.

ME: Oh cool a quiz to find the Friends character you're most like DAVID SCHWIMMER: Untie me M: Question one DAVID SCHWIMMER: I have a family

my kindness is NOT weakness. my patience is NOT permission to be cruel. my shoes ARE glow in the dark but i only found out AFTER i got them

[bed] ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe

[dinner party] GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do? RICH GUY: I race horses for a living ME: Do you ever beat them?

ah yes baguettes, the snakes of bread, I'll take two of your freshest yeasty eels my good chap