Brian: “Ya know… I think cereal is on it’s way out. I think this is the last year for cereal.”

Hey just wanted to say your wedding was a lot of fun! Tell your brother he danced so lithely I thought him an eel.

my fucking hero. 🦇

my untimely passing will send ripples thru the salt and vinegar chip industry. there will be many chip tycoons at my funeral

I love caffeine free diet soda I’m just sipping on brown bullshit for no reason

i will never forget a massive dog running up to me, jay and steph while on a walk and my first instinct was to scream “CALL 911”

⠀

"i wonder what's going on in your head" there's a haunted house and a rotisserie chicken

The bowling ball actually hangs out with the pins after work. There isn't beef there

If I could speak candidly for a moment, the way we spell bologna is just fucking ridiculous.

she was pregnant with kristen stewart here

Dudes will drive a gray Ford explorer with fully tinted windows, a roof rack with 150 watt headlights installed, and then tailgate you when you start fearfully going the speed limit. Brother… maybe if you weren’t driving the NarcMobile 3000 we wouldn’t have this problem?

a poorly timed two-factor authentication request will be the thing that finally kills me

this is how i feel about mickey #bb27

me too sentient hot dog

Me pretending like I didn’t vehemently want Keanu out of the house 4 weeks ago after cheering for him tonight #bb27