It’s 4am. You are on the way to the 24 hour garage for some Rizlas and two tins of Lilt. The rozzers stop you. Your mate has had loads of whizz but you are peaking on a Purple Ohm.

And they're having to dodge the high velocity dummies (Or soothers if you're in the US)

Outstanding.

Stephen Barclay just now after his interviews …. steps out to accept his award.

Personally I'd suggest Gary Lineker for a knighthood but I guess he never broke a woman's nose.

Everybody knows what Match of the Day means to me, but I’ve told the BBC I won’t be doing it tomorrow. Solidarity.

Thanks to @garylineker & Ian Wright, somebody is currently trying to explain to Tory donor, Boris Johnson loan facilitator & Boris Johnson-nominated chairman of the BBC, Richard Sharp, what ‘integrity’, ‘honesty’ & ‘solidarity’ are.

The PR company Michelle Mone paid to "rescue her image" has dropped her!! Here's some free PR advice ⏬ 1. Pay back the money you've taken as a Pandemic Profiteer. 2. Say you're sorry 3. Give a multi million pound donation to an NHS Charity on top. Cos only that could even

I'm going to be leaving this platform quite soon. It has become a cesspit of nasty rightwing propaganda. There is an alternative where the skies are blue rather than grey, dismal and dull.

Daughter Amber, 18, says me having Twitter gives her panic attacks as I'm too old and embarrassing. #embarrassingdad

So is Prince Charles leaving loads of Spanish Newspapers around Buck House? #Abdicate #abdication

I miss this already. #Boardmasters #Newquay #Cornwall #TheView

@ JimPuravida Hope you are ashamed of your lack of skills this morning on The Bore. You endangered other surfers with your idiocy. See FB

Pretty sure children don't pay taxes either, Princess Michael of Kent, but you're still not allowed to hunt them #pcgonemad

I'm officially handing over my Cockney Rhyming title to Sir Jeremy Hunt MP

Hocus Pocus by Focus for the compilation theme tune #SkiSunday

Nick Reilly Think He’s F-ing Idiot who lied to British ppl & Didnt have the⚽️🏉🎱2 LEAD THEM ONCE “LEAVE”VOTE WON‼️..anymore questions😂