Before tequila: Charles Dickens After tequila: Charles Dickouts

Fuck it. I just liked my own tweet. What are you going to do about it?

Sorry for freaking out, I didn’t realize everything was going to be okay

nothing is stupid when you love someone. if it is the price to love them. it's not stupid.

How can you kill your three daughters and walk around like nothing happened? I wonder if he even realizes what he's done?

I wonder if they call them talibanana splits in Afghanistan.

Instead of screaming into the void, I'm going to ask it for recipes.

Nothing’s changed here ~ I love it.

Getting thrown out of paradise for eating a Red Delicious apple is like being given every drug imaginable, but you end up getting thrown out for huffing Glade.

I'm waiting to see if I need a knee replacement. I'm still kinda bummed that they haven't told me what they'd replace it with. I hope it's something cool.

Getting old sucks. Now, when I give someone fifty bucks for grass, it's just for them to cut it.

My first selfie with my new phone. Still ugly. Do I look like I'm 47? Nice replies only. Yes I forgot to post my Pic the first time. Like I said. Getting old sucks.

Me: that's enough about me. How about you? Cashier: there's a line forming, sir.

Every 4th of July fireworks related injury should bleed red, white, and blue.

Amazon fucked the United States malls deep.

Alligator Alcatraz is what Jurassic Park is called in Albania.

I should probably internet more.

In my worst Austrian accent: welcome to Terminatedville. Population you.

Saskatoonage mutant ninja turtles. Saskatoonage mutant ninja turtles. Hosers in a half shell. Turtle power, eh?

When dogs bark at each other, they're just talking about baked beans.