Just had a phone interview wanna guess how it went

The first time I got drunk in front of my [now husband of 10yrs], he gave me bread to sober me up, and I started throwing pieces of it at him yelling, “THIS IS DUCK FOOD! DO I LOOK LIKE A DUCK?!” And he still fell in love with me. So there’s always hope my fellow hot mess ladies.

4 days later and Trump is still President. What the actual fuck, America?

"Can you multitask?" Bro, I can barely task.

hey sorry i missed your text i realized i’m going to have to keep responding to texts for the rest of my life and i got really tired

my ocd diagnosis came late to the party but depression and anxiety are like “it’s cool, there’s room”

This is Cobra. His humans took him to see Christmas lights. Didn't understand what people meant by the magic of Christmas until now. 13/10

When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper "you did this."

Hubs and I both have the flu. Only difference is I'm cleaning the kitchen and he's dying.

Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I've had all day

Wife: The milk's sell by date was 2 weeks ago Me: Woah spoiler alert haha Wife: Stop drinking it Me: *gagging* I am committed to the joke

My wife found a new shirt with the tags still on it in my daughter's laundry hamper and I think we're all going to die.

I used the word dastardly in court this morning so I think I'll just call it a day.

Parenting level unlocked: My son and his friend decided to do "parkour" in the house, and I'm mostly ok with it.

Me: my super power would be knowing all the languages. How cool to be able to speak to anyone in the world Also me: please don't talk to me

Just like old times only younger. #tbt #TheXFiles #wishfulthinking