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Me: "What are those things in your ears?" Friend: "They help me hear. I'm not completely deaf, though." Me: "So you have hearing HIV and not full blown hearing aids." Friend: "... what?" Me: *deep breath* "SO YOU HAVE HEARING HIV AND NOT FULL BLOWN HEARING AIDS."

Girls forget real quick that Luigi has a mansion

a handjob is like a granny smith apple not your first choice but you thank the lunch lady anyhow

local bands be like “big things coming soon!!” and it’s allegations

Spotify opened at work and I forgot my air pods at home and Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy (1941) began to play on max volume I'd rather it have been porn they're calling me Gladys

Coworker in her mid 60s neglected to silence her phone gentle reader her ringtone is WAP

People get real uncomfortable when I call it the Post Orifice

Twitter fires 80% of employees, hate speech is at an all time high, and stocks tank. Now, Twitter plans to remove block feature that will get the app booted from the app store. I'm no business strategist, but damn... Maybe congress will bail ol musky out again lol

I guarantee you, Trump thinks Ave Maria is about a woman named Ave Maria.

getting your boyfriend to watch your old favorite shows is so rewarding. we’ll be watching gilmore girls and he’ll be like “people should be meaner to chris” and it’s like omg yes !! welcome !!

Karma’s only a bitch if you’re a terrible person

Let's make this molehill a molehome

Elon Musk is a terrible president.

If you can watch the meeting between President Zelenskyy, Trump and Vance and feel proud of the US representatives you are as much of an embarrassment as they are

Girl I work with spilled her chipotle all over her keyboard and I says "I think you want adobe on your computer, not adobo." She didn't get it

Oh no someone is sucking on a hard candy next to me, pls send help

A lot of men are insecure about their height but not me, I’m 5’9” and I’m okay with it. I’ve been 5’11” since high school and never had issues dating. Now days when women find out I’m 6’2” it’s not a deal breaker because they value my other qualities, not just my 6’5” stature.