DAILY MAIL READERS. Save any embarrassment by hiding your paper inside a copy of Dogs' Arses Monthly. (via @WH1SKS)

'Every morning, regular as clockwork, foul-tasting brown sausages fall out of my bottom. Who puts them up there and what are they trying to distract me from? 🤔'

Half an orange on your cats head makes a great budget Eye Of Sauron.

💡Top tip: Recreate the old pastime of inflicting holiday photos on uninterested neighbours by joining in with #Top15FaveAlbums

𝗧𝘄𝗼𝗽 𝗧𝘄𝗶𝗽𝘀

Accidentally summoning Desmonds

Alien 3 (1992, Dir: David Fincher)

IS THE football team you support not very good? Simply support a better and more successful team.

BAITING a bear trap with empty crisp packets and sweet wrappers is an effective way of ridding your garden of Wombles. (via 50cent)

CONVINCE visitors you have children by shouting “Toilet & Teeth!” up the stairs at 7:30 in the evening. (via jojubs)

CONVINCE police you've been drinking alcohol by simply trying to avoid all the fucking potholes on the roads.
(via Sibford Ferris®)

That's the cooker clock sorted.

MARK the protracted suffering and death on the Cross of Our Lord Jesus Christ by eating mildly spiced fruit buns.
(via Thomas Meehan)

PARENTS. Make it an Easter to remember for the kids by adding a few wasabi peanuts to the Mini Eggs. (via Chris Beaumont)

RECREATE a caravan holiday by watching a portable TV next to a wardrobe your nan’s shitting in.
(via Mostly)

𝗧𝘄𝗼𝗽 𝗧𝘄𝗶𝗽𝘀 Make a perfectly mundane pastime sound more trendy by prefixing it with 'wild'.

WORK out how dead you are by simply putting the % sign after your age.
(via @foolsmould)

OLD PEOPLE. Avoid falling off the motorway by simply driving slowly and staying in the middle lane.
(via @northeastcorner)

SAVE time when trying to discover why ‘Laurence Fox’ is trending by just assuming that it’s because he’s being a massive cunt.

PRETEND that your child is a member of Fight Club, by simply asking 'What did you do at school today?'
(via Abbey Bloom)