My safe word is extra cheese

...in queso emergency.

me: dating is hard

me on a date: there was a dog in your dating profile pic why are they not here

Your soul is the whole world

My neighbor has a Mongolian wife. Her child from a previous marriage is his steppe son.

I like to think I’m chaotic adorable.

i was born in the 1900’s you’re going to have to speak up, child.

You can't hurt me. You're not my general assumption that most people are decent and kind.

Dark was the night, cold was the ground.

She's a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever - hang on, being told that's a tent.

My uncle used to launch apps. He was an icon.

Did y’all hear that? Could have sworn I heard my bed call me by my full government name

Anybody want to scream for awhile then go to Denny’s and get breakfast for dinner?

[ At the gym ]

Gym bro: can you spot me?

Me (pointing at him): there you are!

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.

Me: still calling it Twitter.

sorry but this death cab only stops for uglies.

I hope this email finds you-

Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close

Celine DiOn

*claps twice*

Celine DiOff

klingon

*two claps*

klingoff

Slow is smooth, smooth is fast.

I have a band-aid on my thumb and now I can't open this cheese stick

- a tragedy in two acts