The type of petty I am, sheesh. A person who messaged me two weeks after my c-section to try and pitch me on beach body workouts just had a kid and every time she’s like “oh man got my hands full” I just want to find her message about working out and copy/paste/send it to her

People leaving spicy comments on the spicy reel I posted to boost my engagement thinking I’m gonna be so roasted but really that was my plan all along

be kind to yourself, there’s someone out there that cares about you. not me but someone

Does the switch between contact lenses (bad body, good face) and glasses (good body, bad face) exacerbate anyone else’s body dysmorphia or am I just over sharing on a Tuesday morning?

It’s not just my body, it feels like I’m switching between the big and small Mario bodies so the whole world adjusts awkwardly to the switch between glasses and contact lenses.

“I Keep Forgettin’ (Every Time You’re Near)” by Michael McDonald peaked at #4 on the Billboard Hot 100 on this day in 1982. The song was written by McDonald and Ed Sanford, and personnel includes Louis Johnson, Greg Phillinganes, Steve Lukather and Jeff Porcaro.

This sub genre of every fat comedian from the 00’s that got body shamed and made fun of now thriving and pursuing their genuine interests authentically is really giving me life

I can’t claim to know what I would do if I accidentally shot two people and one died, but retweeting articles that paint me in a sympathetic light hours after is definitely not on the list

Why are we so focused on whether a cake looks exactly like a shoe or whatever? Who cares make a cake that doesn’t look like it tastes like a shoe and I’ll be into it. Your Air Force one looks dry as hell ok

Sometimes a movie or show or person gets memed so much that I just sort of feel like I’ve seen it or heard them or whatever. Like I’m over here making squid games references as jokes and I haven’t even seen an episode

There are few moments in my life more tense than when I’m trying to figure out if I can push washing my hair off another couple of days. It’s too much responsibility

Extremely serious and important question: is Pete & Pete streaming anywhere?

My jeans are so tight I have a headache but my ass looks so good I’d rather die of a blood pressure caused brain aneurysm than take them off